Valentine’s Day, which passed innocently over the weekend, got me thinking about gay marriage. It’s all well and good to protect marriage as an institution between a man and a woman (as lots of right-minded people who obviously have learned how to prioritize the truly important issues facing us as a nation are doing), but has anyone stood up in defense of the great tradition that we owe to Saint Valentine — whoever the heck he was? This cherished holiday is clearly intended to celebrate romantic transactions between a man and a woman — and only between a man and a woman — and anyone who tells you otherwise, I’m sure, had better think twice about his or her relationship with the Big Guy.

I swear, if I hear of even one gay couple exchanging candy in heart-shaped boxes, filling out little pink greeting cards, or buying individually wrapped roses as a way of expressing their romantic intentions to one another on the Fourteenth of February — all of these being blatant attempts at undermining one of the founding Hallmark holidays or our society — then they’d better be ready for the onslaught of protest letters sent to newspapers and on-air call-ins to radio shows that only the dedication of all my bountiful free time can produce. Also, don’t even make write a letter to my congressperson with the words “constitutional amendment” in it. You just don’t want that.